Peace Of Mind+Devastating News

I was really trying to hold off on talking about this online, but here it goes. On February 14th, I discovered that I was expecting my first child with Mr. Amazing. It was such an exciting moment for the both of us. We were so happy about having a child together, being that him and I are really getting serious as a couple. At that time, I was five weeks pregnant. The first people I told were my sisters, Dominique and Danielle. Later on, I told my father who was surprisingly accepting of the news. I expected that out of him. On the other hand, I was petrified of telling my mom. She is not the easiest person to talk to when it concerns things like this. She is really quick to shut you down and make you feel as if you made an immature and irresponsible decision. I kept calm about the situation and continued having faith. My initial plan was to tell my parents and others when I had viable proof saying I was actually pregnant and not just going off of a home pregnancy test. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. The word spread around quickly and to some people I didn’t want to tell the news to right now. It was too late though. So, I had to face it.

Photo by: Me

Photo by: Me

At six weeks and three days pregnant, I started spotting. I didn’t think much about it. I knew that spotting during pregnancy was normal. I felt deep down in my heart that something more serious was happening with me. The next day, I started getting really bad stomach cramps. It resembled the pain that I get during my menstrual cycle. Finally, I had full blown bleeding. I waited three days until I went to the emergency room to get myself checked out. I wanted to give it time to subside but it didn’t happen. I went to the hospital after my classes ended. The staff took a urine sample and told me that I was still pregnant. That was a sigh of relief for me. Later during my stay, I had an ultrasound. The technician performed both an abdominal ultrasound, as well as a transvaginal ultrasound. She didn’t see a baby in my uterus. I was so disappointed. I was still hopeful and praying that maybe it was too early to tell. After the tests came back, they told me that I might have had a possible miscarriage. All I could think was, “I knew it. I just knew that it was going to lead to this.” I had a gut feeling that it was that. I didn’t want to believe it. Not ever, you know? I was advised to go to a midwife or OBGYN for further testing.

I made an appointment and went to a midwife yesterday and I took a urine sample. This time, it came back that I was no longer pregnant. I looked at Mr. Amazing and just shook my head. That’s a damn shame. I tried to keep my composure and not cry. I appreciate him trying to keep my spirits up. The reality is that the results were possible. My suspicions were true. I passed so much blood the week before and released a lot of tissue. Luckily, I didn’t see a baby come out. I don’t think I could handle that happening. The midwife explained to the both of us that I had a chemical pregnancy. I was definitely pregnant, but I lost the baby so early on that it wasn’t detectable on an ultrasound. The implantation process didn’t fully complete. I had every single sign of pregnancy: nausea, a headache, stomach pain, sore breasts, back pain, cravings, and frequent urination. We will try again later on this year when we move in together and get established into our careers. It may happen later on this year or early on next year. There is absolutely no rush. One thing is for sure. The next time I get pregnant, I am not announcing it on social media like I did. I will wait until I am twelve weeks to tell anyone. Those being the people who are closest to Mr. Amazing and I.

Miscarriage is such a devastating way for a pregnancy to end. I really was heartbroken and depressed when I found out yesterday morning. I cried from the time I left the doctor’s office until later on that night. It hit my heart hard. It’s going to take a while for me to overcome this. This is my first pregnancy and it ended in a painful way. I need peace of mind. I need to process this and grieve my loss. I am considered a high- risk pregnancy because of my epilepsy. I hope it doesn’t happen again to us. Look on the bright side though, at least I know I can conceive. Not too many people have the ability to have a child of their own. I am thankful though that Mr. Amazing gave me a gift that was so incredibly amazing. I can’t wait until we have another little bundle of joy to cherish and love.

If you experience a miscarriage, just know that it will eventually get better. In due time, you will get your chance again to conceive. There are support groups that you can join in order to talk about and receive reassurance on your experiences. You are blessed and loved so very much.

This entry was published on March 8, 2016 at 11:59 pm. It’s filed under Blog and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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