Happiness With A Little Fear

I have so much happiness within myself. I have completed my first year back at college. I have passed all of my courses the fall and spring semesters and I am officially a senior at Cleveland State University. I hope to graduate next spring. I am truly excited. I feel invincible, you know? I have went through a lot during the years I was at CSU. I have overcame a lot of things. Having a seizure and falling down to the floor. I managed to ask someone to take me to the medical center at CSU so I can get treated while I was still seizing. Mind you, I was rushed to the hospital and was treated for hypoglycemia and that was the cause of my seizure. Then, the most serious surgery I had to have… my left temporal lobectomy. Making it to my senior year made me feel great. I feel blessed and to say the least, lucky. I came back to school with a bang and I left for summer vacation with a bang.

During this year, I was a little bit overwhelmed and stressed out. The good thing was that I didn’t allow my stress to take control of me like it has in the past. I have only had one seizure during the school year and that was the one in February. I’m literally jumping for joy on that one. Overall, I have had three post- epilepsy surgery seizures. The first and second seizures were three months apart from one another and the third seizure was eight months apart from the second seizure. That is excellent. It is a major improvement from me having epileptic episodes every week or twice in a day. Draining much? It feels like the Big E is letting up on a girl. Finally.

I’m still fearful of the future. October is quickly approaching and we are almost in the middle of the year. The next appointment I have with my neurologist is on October 12th. This might be the appointment where I am taken off my anti- seizure medications. I hope I come off of them successfully. In the past, it has proven the opposite. I always end up having another seizure. I’m scared out of my damn mind. I’m clinching on the handle bars of hope and prayer. Anytime, I inadvertently forget to take my medications, I have an excruciating headache. It feels like those post- seizure headaches that have me knocked out for most of the day. I wonder, “Is this really what I have to go through when I get off my medications?” I stay on top of my duties as a person with epilepsy though.

No one really understands my fear of the unknown. The fear of the unexpected. What I mean by that is internally. They don’t know the emotional aspect and anxiety that goes along with having a chronic medical condition. When I have a seizure, I am usually by myself. I keep my phone close by so I can time the seizure and document it in my seizure diary. I fear if I do certain activities, like going on a roller coaster, or being in the sun too long, I will seize. My body is sensitive to things like that. As a result, I have to find ways around that. Bring an umbrella or wear a huge summer hat and STAY AWAY from the roller coasters. Not to mention, I am deathly afraid of them. So, it is a challenge.

The secret method behind epilepsy is definitely to learn your triggers and control your seizures as much as possible by not allowing yourself to be placed in situations in which you can risk your chance for having an epileptic episode. You have to incorporate it into your life. It doesn’t have to run your life. I’m okay with my epilepsy. If it continues after my medications are discontinued, then I can deal with it. I will go back on drug therapy. Having brain surgery was frightening and I don’t want to go through it again. Preventing seizures is my number one top priority.

Epilepsy doesn’t slow me down. It builds me up!

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This entry was published on May 26, 2015 at 8:50 am. It’s filed under Blog and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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